the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
