Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
