Can i not drive my cunt home
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
