Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
