It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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