Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
