Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
