Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
