I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
