considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
