The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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