Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry my hands just texted you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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