I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We left the knife in your bed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
