Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
