wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
