I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
