God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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