You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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