Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
