If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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