if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
