Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
