can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
