dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
