1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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