At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
