My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
