No awkward lesbian experiences without me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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