Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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