the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
In other news, I just burned my penis
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
