Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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