I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
