a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
