All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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