During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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