Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
