Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
