I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
