if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
