Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
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