is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
