onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
