Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm having to shit out rocks
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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