I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
