We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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