No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
