He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
