I skipped work to stalk him.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
