I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
