she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
